The Mattress Maker Affair

No, I did not sustain an amorous affair with a woman who makes mattresses, it´s not like that (you guys should really learn to read between the line. The team I support from the Spanish "La Liga" is Atlético de Madrid known as "Los Colchoneros" and in a direct translation it means mattress makers, and NO, I AM NOT HAVING AN AMOROUS AFFAIR WITH AN ENTIRE SOCCER TEAM. Shame on you guys and on your kinky minds, you ought have some decency for fuck´s sake.


(You really should)

For those of you with a workable knowledge of Spanish soccer competitions, you are aware that the biggest teams are Barcelona and Real Madrid so I often get the question why is it that I chose to stand for a team that´s as regular as life; with ups and downs and moments of shame and glory, things change for us in the blink of an eye. Nobody likes to lose, but we all eventually do and the fall from grace makes a bigger bang when you´re not used to falling so why would you stand for a team that hunts nothing but glory and championships not the joy of it´s fans and sweet agony of a hard earned triumph? Why would you stand for something that does not represent you or what you might live? Complicated question when you think about it, yes this does not seem like my usual self but just keep rolling with me, because throughout life you pursue nothing but individuality. You pursue your dreams, your goals, your happiness and though they´re not mutually exclusive the one common factor is YOU, YOU are the one chasing YOUR dreams. So that´s how I came to this affair (Not amorous again, I am not gay and do intend to engage in sexual intercourse with 24 men) because the mattress makers stand for what I believe captures the whole experience of living, in the words of Frankie: "That´s life..". You can´t always expect to live in the bright side of the moon cause that would be trying to deny that which makes us differ from deities, the joy of erring and learning from the past so we can grow in the future.



“Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.”

The Stressful Exam Deviation

The first days of my stories I was basically reporting my awesomeness and thoughts on a daily basis but I encountered a detour that we (those who have jumped on board in the scholastic adventure) all have once faced and that is one of the most stressful, most painful and most exhausting and excruciating experiences in life, TESTING. Yes, we all do study and prepare for our routine examinations but we eventually all do encounter doubt and hesitation before the moment of truth. It´s simply an experience we all encounter, and it´s not just testing that will stress you out (high school and college are actually the beginning of the storm before we find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow) because when you think about it, EVERYTHING turns out to be a fucking test. They vary from person to person and just evolve throughout your stages of life


(This is what you´re going through, it burns but not as much)


(This is more like it, motherfuckers who will come from everywhere and try to shred you to pieces but let me elaborate)

Testing does not end when you get that dreamed handshake and piece of shit piece of paper that credits you as a productive member of society, that´s just the beginning of it. That´s when all hell breaks lose


(Yeap, Strangers just want to fuck us all over)

We´re talking about job interviews, serious dating, meeting in laws, promotion interviews (if you get the job in that corporate environment that encourages you to grow and strive in life), having kids, P&T conferences, discipline with your children, buying cars and houses, and well it´s just all a fucking chaos that takes us to the limit.


(Suddenly being sad for no reason seems to be perfectly fine, who would have thought those emo pussied had it right the first time)

Then we start getting hobbies, smoking, drinking and gambling and all sorts of ridiculous shit we youngsters laugh about and ridicule about grown ups when in reality we all end up doing similar stuff and well there is nothing really we can do to avoid it but try to take things calm and just go with it. That´s right fellas just let it go.

Moving On

The Break Up pretty much stated what needed to be done, changes and the kind of changes that would freak out a regular person but considering the fact that it´s either do or die, change or get extinct, rock or suck and well basically you get my feeling that changes in my life are desperately needed even though I reek of awesomeness I just can´t deny what Bowie said "Changes are taking the pace I'm going through "


(Lightning in the face and all this MUTHAFUCKA HAS IT GOING ON)

So taking aside the comedic approach I usually take it´s time to get busy


(NOPE, not that type of getting busy cause I may be awesome but I´m no Barney Stinson)

and so I came to wonder how it is that one makes this changes without looking like a maniac (You know that sort of MGMT live fast, die young I ain´t going to pretend kind of shit cause it´s a pretty good song but you got to admit those guys look pretty gnarly) and I just happen to stand clueless


(Nope, not that type of clueless)

so as I seem to stand in a small buoy in the middle of a typhoon just dazed and confused strolling without direction I would like to avoid acting upon first instinct and just really take the time to THINK. Cause when you reflect act upon baffling emotions (FYI the feelings for the break up girl are in fact dead, new act beginning) is just simply nerve wrecking due to volatility of results. We can´t change what we can´t control and usually feelings enter that category, so until I sort things out I´ll just give it a go and give life the opportunity to sway me away into the whirlwind of chances and choices it gives me. It´s complicated, and it´s a rough ride, but living and loving is definitely the rugged road I´m taking so to wrap it up I´ll end with one of the most iconic poems in history:

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Glory Holes

Of course I said it, to all you fellows out there with kinky minds this is one you got right. For some reason there is one crazy statistic out there that claims that 3 out of every 5 thoughts a guy has are related to sex, but does that mean every guy you that is being nice to you is just trying to get in your pants? NO. See there are lots of movies and tv shows that talk about how guys dream about the day they lose their virginity or just trying to bang, YEAH I SAID BANG



You, actually most guys who actually think about sex tend to fantasize about girls they can´t actually get. Don´t get me wrong that doesn´t mean that you or all the average girls are at the reach of one´s hand and just a few drinks and the right words might take you to the sac, but I mean that sort of really badass girl who knows about cars, good music, shoots guns and is INSANELY HOT


(One can picture that in the bedroom and absolutely lose it)

Of course there are still sort of Rambo guys who just want to get the job done everyfucking where kinda like the usual Jersey Shore douche catching "grenades"


(The kinda guy that would make your dad cry if you brought him home)

But those guys are usually pigs girls don´t like and well guys don´t even want to be friends with (due to their constant telling of bullshit stories about how they banged a perfect ten last week; fyi Five two´s don´t count as a ten guys and girls). So don´t talk so much smack about how guys just want to get in your pants cause in reality we all have to admit a little pervert lives within us and well sex is just a natural part of life and I´m no Klingon but it sure as hell makes life,relationships and even friendships a bit more fun,casual and interesting. So just keep it real, wear a rubber and KEEP OFF THE CRACK.

The Excrutiating iPod Torture

Have you ever found yourself just lingering in your room wishing your life was a musical(not in the "gay" way as many would think but as in having a rad background song for every defining moment in your life) and isn´t it funny when the one time you actually do get the feeling of it is when you´re somehow sad or hearbroken?

Just think about it; you´re cruising in your car after your girlfriend just dumped you for that douchy looking guy who is 6 foot tall, has black hair and deep blue eyes and happens to be every girl´s dream but your fucking nightmare at the moment



(Kinda like this mofo, you see the point)

and just right then your dad turns on the radio and automatically the first song you guys ever shared came on the radio. You want to help yourself from crying but deep down you feel like your trapped in one of those Backstreet Boys videos where they are always in the airport dancing but nobody ever really arrives or leaves:



(Clear example of people looking sad for NO reason)


And you help yourself from crying because you know your mom or dad or whoever is with you is just going to lecture you on how awesome you are and how stupid the other person was and how they´ll regret it for the rest of their lives when deep down you know he or she might already be rocking somebody´s world (and even their bed) and you just feel like dying.

The worst part of all? You own a fucking iPod, it´s like the car radio scene throughout all day and it´s even worst given the fact that the one torturing you is no other than you. We´ve all been there, just staring at our Boyz II Men records or cranking up the Lionel Richie tunes while our soul savagely weeps and sorrow just fills up our life. I´m no Klingon but I got the answer for all your problems, CHANGE THE FUCKING SONG! I don´t care if what cheers you up is something gay like Hollaback Girl but trust me in this one, IT´S BANANAS B-A-N-A-N-A-S to beat yourself up with bluesy tunes and romantic melodies so just stiffen that upper lip and KEEP ROCKING.



(If that man can overcome being part of a racial minority with terrible stereotypes and HIV and smile, why wouldn´t you?)

The Biggest Bullshit Stories We Tell Ourselves

MATH IS EASY, IT´S JUST NOT MY THING



Yeah, yeah we´ve all been there; Dude if I´d pay attention I´d pass but it´s just not for me...ok let me it put it to you like this you little prick, mathematics are the one thing in life that are basically universal. Knowing what Hitler said 5 minutes after Italy surrendered in World War 2 will not help you balance your check book or calculate your taxes. If you suck at math and live by this excuse I got one thing to tell you: GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER AND BUY A FUCKING CALCULATOR.


YEAH, I´VE ALWAYS BEEN A BIG HARRY POTTER FAN, I´M SUCH A POTTERHEAD



After the last Harry Potter movie came out and it was basically seen by anyone in the universe a great amount of these douchebags came along. I have to recognize the existence of actual potterheads who have devoted hours and hours of reading and even cried after the last movie but most of the people out there...well let´s just say they don´t even read the newspaper headlines.Yeah, yeah, yeah it´s a literary jewel and a modern classic but if there is one series that created more mindless turds than the faggoty Twilight fans it has got to be this one. Great book or not you don´t see me running around in an armor pretending to be Don Quixote so just keep it to yourself and stop drawing lightnings in your forehead if you didn´t even read the book.


I REALLY DON´T KNOW WHAT SHE/HE SEES IN HIM



Yeah, you do. It always takes us a hard time admitting that someone is better looking (or even has a better looking wallet) than us. Stop lying to yourself and admit it, you´re no perfect catch and there is always going to be a bigger fish in the pond so stop saying that sort of jealous crap and keep moving cause when ever I hear somebody pull that sort of shit I only wish more people opted for abortion.


IF I HAD A GUN I´D TOTALLY KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER



Nope, no you wouldn´t. There are a few mercenaries out there and a few nut cases who happen to be potential serial killers but let´s face it guys, most of us wouldn´t even have the balls to point a gun at someone let alone shoot it. Stop believing your´re some sort of Charlton Heston or Clint Eastwood


(IF THIS MUCHAFUCK POINTS, YOU BETTER START FUCKING RUNNING CAUSE HE´LL FUCKING SHOOT)

and just face the fact that most of us are in fact major pussies.

I´m no Klingon but we should start being honest to ourselves and maybe just maybe the world would not be filled with absolute TOOLS.

The J Factor Discovery

AWESOME
adj.
1. Inspiring awe: an awesome thunderstorm.
2. Expressing awe: stood in awesome silence before the ancient ruins.
3. Slang Remarkable; outstanding: "a totally awesome arcade game" (Los Angeles Times).

A few months ago after I decided to skip a mandatory conference at school I decided to go on a Burger King run and go to a friend´s house, who shall go unnamed for rape and/or kidnapping avoiding purposes, and I saw this shy little (she was not little in height but to make it a bit more artistic and descriptive let´s leave it at that) girl (more of a teenage female) sitting on a couch just looking uncomfortable, quiet, and certainly out of place. I´d visited my friend hundreds of times and not once had I seen this peculiar yet interesting individual so as any mingling stranger would do I decided to make some small talk. A few days later we met again at a party and yet she was still shy and reluctant to open up (in a strictly non sexual way because any girl who is actually willing to open up in that way is a WHORE)



TOTALLY NOT LIKE THAT, CLEAR EXAMPLE OF A WHORE


Later on we met on college, small world? NAH, we actually decided to get the same classes and she turned out to be sheer awesomeness, talking to her actually feels like the combination of the moment when Buzz Lightyear and Woody Fly with a Rocket


(Pretty Badass)

and owning a unicorn that is willing to give you his blood every once in a while. Smart, Cute, Funny, Likes Rad Music and Rad Movies, makes you move your lazy ass so you can pass the class kinda person, and is basically the kind of person that would give Edward Cullen (yeah that faggoty sparkling douchebag from the twilight series) a run for his money. So I´m no Klingon but getting to know a person like that and have her around you everyday is pretty much AWESOME. You say you wish you had the X factor that makes people mutants? I say you´ve yet to meet the J factor that makes them LEGENDARY.

The Belated Scooter Fluctuation

It´s not about abilities, experience, luck or timing; traffic accidents happen every day, in every city, in every town and to everyone. Whether it´s a simple bump in the middle of a traffic jam or a deadly high speed crash, people are bound to occupy the same space of each other with over a ton of iron at least once in their life. Today as I was cruising in my ride (yeah I got to douche it up) a scooter crashed into my car and well somebody got injured and it wasn´t me. To make a long story short I ended sort of grounded but I still retain certain liberties. Gee, crashing is fun isn´t it? You might be saying: "What´s so funny about traffic accidents?" Pretty simple, people. People and the stupid way they react to traffic accidents and here are some examples of what I mean by people acting stupidly and making stupid questions:

1.ARE YOU HURT?



Let´s set thing straight guys, if you just hit a pedestrian or a guy in a scooter they are hurt, try flying 40 feet in the air and landing safely after being propelled by a ton and a half of steel. If you manage to feel great after that you´re either on cocaine or Superman.



2. IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP YOU?



Well let me think about it, you just rammed my car with your 40 thousand dollar steel SUV so unless you can turn back time just pay and leave me the fuck alone I probably have more than enough problems to stand in the middle of the road arguing about how you didn´t see me or how it´s just a scratch, just shut the fuck up.

IT WAS YOU DUDE, IT WASN´T ME



It´s true, when it comes to a car crash everyone is bound to deny their involvement in the mayhem. Why? Cause we really don´t like being wrong and we really don´t like being wrong at driving. For some reason, driving abilities are deemed in the culture that we live in as essential and whoever is a lame driver is boung to go around getting mocked at or laughed at. Big news folks, people crash even when they´re walking so it´s no big deal when it happens when moving a pile of iron with wheels.

I´m no Klingon but it´s a fact of life, driving is stressful and from time to time you just got to remember it just sucks to drive around in a chaotic city.

The Open Square Complex

Close mind, open mind. People seem to think that there is an actual set of qualities that will make you close minded, reluctance to certain ideas or trying to avoid change, that make you an old fashioned conversative douche. In the other hand we find this guy:



All about the love, freedom of speech, loving of the world and experiencing everything new. But is he really? What´s the one thing "open minded" people hate the most? People who don´t respect their opinions or embrace the fact that there is more than simply one way to see the world... but wait a minute what´s the big difference between one and the other?



Can you see it? Because I really cannot, you see everyone in their own simple way tends to become an open square: we all have certain values, integrity, beliefs, etc... that we at one point or another refuse to change, and as "open minded" as you think you are you always draw a line that inhbits you from accepting that you´re totally the opposite from what you claim you are. Saying you´re open minded but refusing the conservative way is just like saying you really don´t like pork and then ordering a pepperoni pizza. I´m no Klingon but saying you´re blue when you´re orange is just a way of deceiving yourself and denying the nature that in the end we´re all open squares just hoping for the best and working for it in our own different and special way. So just kick it and let it be, because life is too damn AWESOME to be bitching and yammering about the same complains over and over. Cause in the end we´re all flawed so just embrace it and go with the flow.

The Dual Morale Fixation

So something that has really been haunting me is the dual morale that seems to work regarding men and women. Women complain about the fact that they might be deemed as WHORES when dating more than one guy at a time whilst a guy would be considered a stud and so the debate goes on what can a guy a do that a girl apparently can´t. But how about if we flip the coin and consider the vast amount of limitations a guy encounters:

1. A guy can´t really insult a girl without being considered a douchebag
2. If we get kicked in the nads by some bitch, we can´t really do jack shit about it
3. If we show our legs or squeeze our chests at a teacher he´ll probably insult us and end up getting expelled



So really our only advantages rely solely on strength and whoring, so I ask the question: Would you rather be strong and hairy or sexy manipulative...if it weren´t for menstrual cramps, giving birth and actually inserting boneless limbs inside your body being a woman is pretty damn AWESOME.

I´m no Klingon I´d rather be bossed around by this:



than THIS

The Belmont Dropout

Recently I've decided to "reconfigure" an aspect of my life shifting from "cloud of smoke" to "anxious bastard". I know, quitting smoking considering my recent state of singleness I should be too depressed to make any more drastic changes in my life, but considering that breaking up revealed the true colors of my former loved one, I've decided to pay attention to the sick old man in my pack of lights and call it a day when it comes to the old smoke in and smoke out. My strategy is simple, I called up a couple of friends and decided to encourage them to smoke block me by punching me and or taking my lights away so it's pretty much a done deal.



It's time to call it a day and tomorrow will forever be remembered as the day I avoided this:



and traded it in for a

FUTURE

Call me crazy but it's time to turn my life around, I'm no Klingon but it's time to man up, grow up and so I'll eventually

The Break Up

So recently I went through this break up, at first like you can all imagine I was devastated thinking that I could never find anyone like her and all but then I got to think... Yeah, unlike most people going through break ups who just decide to shrivel up and die I decided to stop and think where did it all go wrong because let's face it, I'm AWESOME



I was always a good boyfriend, polite, never pressured her and I even went through the tedious experience of meeting her parents and yet somehow she wasn't happy. These days she's dating someone else and by these days I mean it only took her 4 days to get over the "love" she allegedly have which kinda made me feel bad but I quickly decided to stop mourning cause I was already starting to get over her. I think I'm ready to get back in the saddle, yeah it's just a metaphor cause horses actually terrify me, cause the only thing that scares me more than a horse are whores. So I'm no Klingon but logic dictates getting over a love that apparently was not even real is pretty much pointless so this is the real reason I'm getting over the break up and riding that son of a bitch saddle:

1. I am AWESOME
2. I'm quite the catch when it comes to NOT that attractive dudes (Let's face it guys, God made me awesome and all but I couldn't get the perfect looks)
3. I have a really promising future and pampering hoes (not talking in a derogatory way just trying to state a point here) is one of my passions
4. This is NOT, I repeat NOT A REBOUND SITUATION, first of all due to the fact that I just discovered love was not there there is nothing I'd be bouncing up from (It's like dreaming you're falling and waking up and say I should stand up and check to see if I'm ok)
5. I'm really AWESOME
6. Life is all about moving and if you're not moving then you're not going anywhere and let's face it guys, people who are stuck in the same bad moment are a bit depressing and I'm too awesome to be depressing...

So criticize all you want BITCHIZ (I've never used that in my whole life I just thought it might have been a good moment) cause if hating is your occupation I got a full time job for ya, the world is mine and I ain't slowing down for NO ONE.